Pseudocoded

window.onload = function() {
 
    new PeriodicalExecuter( heartbeat, 0.85 );
 
    new PeriodicalExecuter( breathe, 3 );
 
    new PeriodicalExecuter( blink, 5 );
 
    new PeriodicalExecuter( swallow, 60 );
 
    new PeriodicalExecuter( fart, 6200 );
 
    new PeriodicalExecuter( pee, 14400 );
 
    new PeriodicalExecuter( eat, 28800 );
 
    new PeriodicalExecuter( sleep, 86400 );
}